Thursday, August 14, 2014

Tiger Shroff appointed Congress vice president...

Thoroughly shocking the political establishment and in a move widely hailed by NDTV as a game changer the congress president today announced that Tiger Shroff will be appointed as a new vice president of the century old party. This led to a protest “Shok Sabha” organized by Renuka Chowdhry and Ambika Soni who appealed to Sonia Gandhi with tears rolling down their cheeks “not to appoint a non-family” member for any position of importance in the party.. “MadamG they thundered, do you recall what happened when Sitaram Kesari was there…”.

Former CM and now a rootless wonder, PigVijaySingh in a hurriedly called press conference at Azamgarh declared, how he had spoken to Tiger Shroff when he was three years old onwards and latest after his movie “Hero Panti” thoroughly bombed at the boxoffice. He said that he consoled a crying and upset Tiger on the phone…

The CWC member who didn’t want to be identified spoke to NDTV’s group Editor, “Burqa Dud”, through an intermediary Mira Radia, said “What to do, RahulG turned out to be a total waste. Now, with both SoniaG and RahulG tied up on National Herald case and answering NatwarSingh and others who are writing books, we desperately needed a leader who is youthful and from the family. Alas, we were totally devastated when Priyanka VadraG issued a statement that she is not coming to politics. Rehan Vadra, even by our low standards of obedience to the family, is young, come on even we have some dignity…”. When asked why Tiger Shroff, they proudly claimed “Have you seen the picture of Tiger with Priyanka side by side in the media? Man, it was a god sent opportunity for us.. Of course, it was a secular God and not a communal one….”. 

With the sense of relief immense relief the congressmen said that "Now RahulG can finalize his plans to have a child, keeping the future leadership of congress in mind, once his kid is 10 years old, we can think about a leadership change. Till then, with his movie career already dead where else can tiger shroff go ?...."

When we contacted Tiger Shroff, he seemed upbeat about his prospects, even for the elections which are scheduled within a few days in Bihar and shortly in Maharashtra.. When asked how can he be so sure, he quipped “Come on, how can you do worse than RahulG ?”……

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

In a Stunning move government simplifies the UPSC CSAT to just a few questions, in all languages

In a masterstroke, the government totally junked existing proposals and expert committees and instead went with 7 employees from government service itself to reform the UPSC examinations.
This "panel of experts" (secretary, under secretary, their peons, section officer, clerk, pwd engineer) assembled at 9am in UPSC HQ and by 9:01am came up with detailed proposal including a permanent question paper that can be translated and conducted in all languages.

They were particularly proud of the fact that even those that have never even set foot inside schools can crack it and actually had an equal shot at success !! They said that "Irrespective of your educational qualifications, if you had set foot inside a government office to get even a simple application form you would have learnt all that is necessary to crack this paper !!".

Details: from now onwards UPSC exams will just ask the following questions to all prospective aspirants...

1. Can you be rude to the public ?
2. Can you guard all the procedures to get things done from government as a Military Secret ?
3. Can you ask for that all important "one more residence proof" even after a million others have been provided ?
4. Can you knit more than 100 sweaters in a year at work ?
5. Can you drink a cup of tea/coffee for more than hour and a small tiffin box lunch for more than 3 hours ?
6. Do you "Inflation index" bribes every three months ?
7. Are you aware of the exact bribes you need to pay to get selected/promoted ?

For promotion into IAS cadre, they unanimously concluded that proficiency in "How rude and inaccessible one is to the public will be the singular criteria for selection and promotion".

After this was announced at 9:01, the agitationists immediately ended their protest at 9:02am with their leader "Coaching Yadav" saying in a press conference "That is it, why your UPSC exam needs to be anything more than this escapes me !! Any candidate who answers Yes to these already has that "innate talent" to work in our government and public sector undertakings isn't it ? People should be allowed to take this exam in all Indian languages... This will really ease the pressure on folks who want to join government service".

The IAS (Indian Arrogant Service) officers association at 9:03 released a press note saying 'We cautiously welcome this move, the dangers of allowing more non-children of existing IAS officers has to be studied carefully and acted upon down the line.....".

SP/BSP/JD(u) released a joint statement saying that their parties will stop attending the lok sabha as the only issue important to the people of their states has been dealt with...